Sunday, September 5, 2010

struggling with empty nesting and my role as a mom

seeing alot of adulthood and indepedence and wondering where i fit in...feeling like i am not needed...more of a convenience when they need something....struggling...really need some time with God to see where He wants me, what He wants me to feel. It is weird to be a mom and see your role changing and unfortunately I am fighting the change. I know this is not good. Trying not to get my feelings hurt as I watch this "need you less and less" and "watch me grow"...but then I feel I am a "convenience store" to them. Come and go when "they" feel like it. I am just waiting to help. To find my place in their world. I am failing at this. I want them back like it was...i know I really probably don't. But what? What God? What am I to do? Heal my selfish motives...bind them and let me be free to serve you and only you! Then I will see your purpose for my purpose in my girls lives that YOU desire...NOT me! It is NOT ABOUT ME....but why am i struggling. Why do i fear I am losing them...needing me. My prayer is that they will NEED YOU, GOD, MORE. I feel i make them "angry" at me, because i want them close by myside...want them to "hang" with me, just want them to sit. I am a not think any of my blogs have been this pitiful...but i do not know what to do, where to run...pray for my anger towards this me to embrace it as a good thing..i do not want them to "not want to come home" because of this...sorry bloggers who read sorry...i guess i am throwing myself a pity party!! The weekend went so daughter was around and that was great...the other is busy with the boyfriend and life in general...she is the one pushing out of the womb and it is hard.

I need to let go and LET GOD do the parenting...He is their FATHER....He knows the plans He has for them...He will not harm them...He will protect them...they may stumble but they will learn to rely on God and only God!!! God "lent" them to us, they are a gift from HIM!

Oh bother (that is what Pooh would say)... I know this too shall pass...I need to embrace this time with God to grow and get into the Word and see the wisdom of the Holy One.

Please forgive me, but i use this blog to let go of some of my feelings (trust me i spare you of many feelings)...their are no rules in the blog world...their are rules on Facebook and I seem to break them all (how i respond to my own comments, etc)

Oh well, God let me hear your voice and let me OBEY your calling!

Guess I am going through a growing pain....

1 comment:

Jacquie said...

I'm sorry to say that I just read this. I love that you were so honest in this post. I KNOW (believe me) how hard this life change is for you. I have felt all those things you mentioned. Feeling like they only want you when they need something or that you're not the center of their world any more. I am SO blessed that my kids both spend a lot of time with me (or call me often since one is in Houston now). I promise you... your girls are exploring the new things in life, but they will come back soon. They still love you and need you. They just want to explore freedom for a while. In the meantime, keep working out and find some new things that you love to do that you have put on the backburner because you've been a mommy for so long!!! Take care, friend!