seeing alot of adulthood and indepedence and wondering where i fit in...feeling like i am not needed...more of a convenience when they need something....struggling...really need some time with God to see where He wants me, what He wants me to do....to feel. It is weird to be a mom and see your role changing and unfortunately I am fighting the change. I know this is not good. Trying not to get my feelings hurt as I watch this "need you less and less" and "watch me grow"...but then I feel I am a "convenience store" to them. Come and go when "they" feel like it. I am just waiting to help. To find my place in their world. I am failing at this. I want them back like it was...i know I really probably don't. But what? What God? What am I to do? Heal my selfish motives...bind them and let me be free to serve you and only you! Then I will see your purpose for my life...my purpose in my girls lives that YOU desire...NOT me! It is NOT ABOUT ME....but why am i struggling. Why do i fear I am losing them...needing me. My prayer is that they will NEED YOU, GOD, MORE. I feel i make them "angry" at me, because i want them close by myside...want them to "hang" with me, just want them to sit. I am a mess...do not think any of my blogs have been this pitiful...but i do not know what to do, where to run...pray for my anger towards this change...help me to embrace it as a good thing..i do not want them to "not want to come home" because of this...sorry bloggers who read this...so sorry...i guess i am throwing myself a pity party!! The weekend went so fast...one daughter was around and that was great...the other is busy with the boyfriend and life in general...she is the one pushing out of the womb and it is hard.
I need to let go and LET GOD do the parenting...He is their FATHER....He knows the plans He has for them...He will not harm them...He will protect them...they may stumble but they will learn to rely on God and only God!!! God "lent" them to us, they are a gift from HIM!
Oh bother (that is what Pooh would say)... I know this too shall pass...I need to embrace this time with God to grow and get into the Word and see the wisdom of the Holy One.
Please forgive me, but i use this blog to let go of some of my feelings (trust me i spare you of many feelings)...their are no rules in the blog world...their are rules on Facebook and I seem to break them all (how i respond to my own comments, etc)
Oh well, God let me hear your voice and let me OBEY your calling!
Guess I am going through a growing pain....